duermemucho's diary

duermemucho's Diaryland Diary


bird fight

The TV genre of "network morning news/variety show" is begging for a cable network parody series, or a good satirical movie, to blast it to oblivion, much like Airplane did to the "disaster" movies of the seventies. Matt Lauer, your days are numbered.

If I were a writer for such a series or movie, I would have three photogenic hosts, two female and one male, plus a black guy to do weather. There would be a minimum of one reference to weather every thirty seconds. There would be extremely casual, brief references to noteworthy events, e.g., "In Tokyo, a previously unknown group of rebels has seized control of the Japanese government in a massive and bloody coup d'etat; now, let's take it back to Judy and Frank out in Times Square, where things are just getting warmed up for Justin Timberlake's unplugged viola performance." And there would be human-interest interviews, in which a tearful woman would recount the horror she felt when her child stepped on a bee, followed by a brief discussion with a well-dressed doctor on how you can prevent such a tragedy from ever happening to you, summarized in three bullet points such as "if you see a bee, don't panic." Gold, I fucking promise you. If you could air it at seven in the morning, probably 70% of viewers would take it seriously.

Oh, and diet advice. Jesus, how could I forget the diet advice! The "health segment" would consist of 50% conflicting diet advice, and no less than 20% of obvious parenting hints that only someone who had been raised by wolves would find enlightening. All delivered by the aforementioned well-dressed doctor, preferably female, or if male, Indian. I'm in the wrong business, I tell you. Coming to Comedy Central this fall...


I talked to Owl for the first time in over a month, regarding my trip back to Ohio next week. She seems remarkably non-vengeful and quite well-adjusted...though in an email she made it clear that relationship issues are not going to be discussed. That could mean many things. What it probably doesn't mean is that she's found a replacement, since I'll be staying at her place at least for the first night. Lark isn't happy about that. She also isn't happy that I'm so (outwardly) levelheaded whenever emotional issues come up. Which is yet another example of how everything I do, no matter what it is, is wrong.

Remember the gay guy who tried to hit on me a few weeks ago? I'm going to lunch with him tomorrow. Why not? I at least plan on asking him where there's a good (ordinary) bar in this town, since thus far all my drinking has been done in my living room. I'll make sure to mention both Owl and Lark. My only real concern is that he might not be gay, but actually a religious nut trying to reel me in so he can beat me with a pamphlet. I consider that a remote possibility, since he mentioned he's a Ph.D. engineer, but it is something of a possibility. That's why I'm going to mention my great enjoyment of alcohol as early as possible. That will either scare him off or force him to get his agenda out in the open right away, rather than tiptoing around it.

Perhaps I think things through too much.

I leave on Saturday morning. I'm bringing the ol' laptop with me, so I should get a chance to update from the road.

5:18 p.m. - 2006-09-06


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